Sunday, May 10, 2009

It Always Starts w/ A Fancy Seafood Dinner

If you know anything about women, you likely know that the fastest way to a woman's heart is to take her out for a fancy seafood dinner. However, you should note that this is not necessarily the fastest way to her heart if you first have to drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles to take her out for the said dinner. But then again, the time spent driving is time that she spends getting prepared and building up her appetite. As a result, she'll look exceptional and really appreciate the meal because she's absolutely starved by the time you ring her door bell. Per usual, I digress...

However, some amateurs in the fancy seafood dinner world assume that a piece of fish is enough to satiate the sometimes insatiable appetites of their female counterparts. When in reality, it may take something more "daring" - if you will - to set the proper mood.

You see, sometimes it actually takes grilled octopus over a bed of parsley laced potatoes with a few well-placed capers to take things to the next level. Couple a fancy appetizer with fancy wine and lighting so dim that the waiter has to find a lamp to officially card you, and you have the makings of a magical moment. You'll actually think that it's a scene straight out of a movie, like this. Then you'll realize that grilled octopus tastes just like chicken and have flashbacks to one of the finer moments in reality television:

Behind the laugther, you both silently hope that you don't suffer the same fate that Nick and Jessica suffered.

At any rate, grilled octopus that tastes like chicken propels your evening forward. You feel a sense of accomplishment for crossing another thing off the list and it serves as a brilliant ice breaker for the night.

You leave the restaurant, after realizing that you are one of the few couples remaining. You realize that your date is going better than the couple next to you that ate silently and made it glaringly obvious that they were listening in on your conversation pieces about: aliens, internationalism, hostile hostels, etc. You feel relieved that the old fancy seafood trick has done it again.

However, for those of you that think that this tale ends here, you are sadly mistaken. You then muster up the courage to ask if the night can continue. She says yes and you fail miserably at breaking into the Griffith Park Observatory in hopes of getting a warning from the cops. You know, just to show her that you're a rebel without a cause.

After those plans are derailed, you drive up Mulholland Drive to a lookout point just to realize that it's foggy as hell in Los Angeles and you can't really see anything. Conversation goes well and then suddenly the cops pull up behind you and inform you that they are "making contact with you" because there is no stopping at the lookout point past 9 PM. You try to sound confused and act like you're from out of town before darting back down the mountain and basking in the glory that is your badassness. You giggle extensively about the whole "making contact" approach that the officer employed. Perhaps they tried calling my cell phone before flashing their sirens???

Tack on another cop that follows you to run your plates and you'll totally have a girl that knows that you mean business.

Trust me, every first date should follow this exact framework:

1) Fancy Seafood Dinner
2) Order something "daring", preferably the grilled octopus
3) Put all nearby couples to shame by having an enjoyable conversation
4) *If you're generally lame, try not to be yourself on the first date - be cool, like me
5) Arrange for some run in with the law
6) Try to restrict this run in with the law to situations that involve beautiful vistas
7) Brag about how you "owned the cop" and how next time the both of you will probably get arrested

Stick to this simple plan and I guarantee that you'll find success. And if you're at a loss for what to do with her on the second date, consider buying tickets to Boogie Town...

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