Thursday, November 6, 2008

Some of My Musings from Yesteryears

In January of 2007, I wrote this (no wonder I still blog, it's really funny):

Have you ever farted so loud that you woke up the other person sleeping in your room? I'm not saying that I've done that before...but my FRIEND has definitely done that before. Because he, and by he I mean I was the one that heard the fart and woke up and said "damn, you need to get that shit checked out." And don't worry, there is a point to all of this.

What I'm trying to get across to you is this.........................................
....Damn, I forgot what the point of that story was. I'll get back to it eventually I hope.

But on another note, have you ever liked a song so much that you scratched your CD by repeating it non-stop? My father is a well-known culprit for doing such things. Yet, I fear that this ill-natured behavior has been passed down to me. And of all songs to fall in love with, it's a song off of Omarion's new cd. (I have officially lost all street credibility I'm sure - but fuck it, the streets are hazardous to my health anyway).

Ok, let's move along now...

Have you ever ate Top Ramen for so many consecutive nights that you felt like you were burning a hole into your stomach?

Have you ever played basketball against a little kid and assumed that you were going to win? Only to find out that the little kid is poised to be the next LeBron James and eventually you get ran off of the court?

Have you ever lifted up your arm and detected the "I Smell Like A Hot Ass Mess" Scent? Only to sit back and realize that maybe you forgot to put on deodorant as you were rushing to get ready for class?

Have you ever lied to one of your parents and been forced to tell the truth after you parent disclosed intelligence information that lets you know that their questions were simply a test of your honesty? Like, "Dontae, where the hell have you been all day?" And I'm like "At the library Mama." And she's like, "well why did you Auntie tell me she saw you walking with some little fast ass girl on the other side of town?" And I'm like, "Well I went to Shareefa's house after I finished my project." You know what I'm talking about? Have you ever been in that situation?

Have you ever been so hungry that you refused to get up and walk to the refrigerator because you figured that exerting energy would make your hunger unbearable? Have you ever been so hungry that you ate a lettuce and cheese sandwich? Or have you ever suffered from so much insomnia that you've gone back and forth between the refrigerator like 20 times before realizing that you're not looking for anything and that there isn't anything in the refrigerator looking for you?

Have you ever been forced to sleep head to toe in a bed with a kid who still pisses on himself at night? And you don't have to answer this, but have you ever been that pissy ass kid who can't sleepover at people's house? (nasty ass)

Have you ever written a paper and cut off your computer only to find that you didn't save it?

Have you ever been that grown ass man in the movie theater crying because the movie is just that touching? And have you been that grown ass man telling your friends that you yawned and your eyes are just watering? Have you ever considered embracing your feminine side? (with your emotional ass)

Have you ever dreamed of becoming a rapper? Have you gone as far as the record your own Thug Nasty mixtape?

Have you ever been doing the grownup, only to have your horizontal polka interrupted by an actual grownup that actually owns the house in which you're doing the grownup? Did you follow me there?

Have you ever tripped while walking alone? And then looked back the examine what you tripped over so to make it appear as if you aren't responsible for being a clumsy ass person that doesn't pay attention to things when they're walking?

I probably don't even need to ask this...But have you ever waived to a person walking toward you only to realize that you don't actually know that person? but to make matters worse, has the person you were waiving to ever been a fat girl? (up and down, up and down, I'm shaking my head to a lot of these questions folks)

Have you ever gone to class without reading all week, but made a concerted effort to answer as many questions as you possibly could?

Have you ever laughed at someone because they had an ugly baby? Have you ever thought about what you would do if your baby was ugly? In other words I'm asking, would you laugh at yourself?

Have you ever taken candy from a baby? I mean, of course it's easy. But have you ever really done it? If not, why haven't you done it yet? Taking candy from a baby is clearly easy!

Have you ever ignored someone on AIM? Even after accidentally typing in the box and indicating that you are indeed at your computer?

Have you ever screened calls from your friends because you knew that they were going to ask you to help them with something?

Have you ever walked by a woman late at night and watched her clutch her purse tightly as if you were a potential mugger? Have you ever flipped the scripts and grabbed you belongings tightly while passing that same woman? Trust messes with their minds.

Have you ever gone to the mall with no money?

Have you ever gone to the mall with money, but with no intention of buying anything and ultimately left the mall empty handed?

Have you ever found yourself grinding on people at parties only to realize the following monday that they are in section with you? Isn't that awkward?

Have you ever....

Oh, oh, oh....

I remember why I mentioned that story about my "friend" farting so loud that it woke up the "other" person in the room. I read a story somewhere that said the louder your farts are, the healthier your digestive system is. I've been eating a lot of lettuce of late and I'm definitely noticing an increase in the volume of my junk. So fart freely my dear friends, but more importantly: fart loudly!

And oh yeah...have you ever written a note that was so "Extra" that you sat back anxiously awaiting the first person that would mention how "extra" your note was...only so you could fire back by saying that their note reading practices were extra as well?

Hmm, I even lost myself on that one. Until next time: Take care of yourself and each other.

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