Monday, July 7, 2008

To shave, or not to shave

He would cut a motherfucker so smooth....

The topic of facial hair came up at work today. Apparently, the scheduler in my office is a fan of well groomed facial hair. In her-speak, that translated into the clean shaven look. She seems to like the cheeks of her men as soft as - why is there no other platitude that quite captures the feeling I'm going for here? - a baby's bottom. I guess I could've said as soft as a mother's bosom there, but then I would've been out of line...

While she rambled on, I continued to listen carefully. It was nice to be inside to mind of a woman for a change and see what females really thought about the look that I've been going for at work.

For those that don't know, I've been rocking the facial hair like whoa. I try to maintain the goatee area as best as I can via shaping and trimming. Yet, the five o'clock shadow description would do no justice to the amount of hair I have shielding my cheeks. I've grown so accustomed to this look that when I do actually work up to nerve to shave I feel completely naked. And I also feel guilty. Once I shave my hair away I look like a small child that just finished committing a crime of some sorts.

Much like Kobe, I look guilty after shaving.

The fact that most male celebrities walk around with facial hair these days has also played a large role in my facial hair transformation. Reading through monthly magazines of Details, which I swear is not a gay magazine, has left me convinced that the only guys getting action these days are the ones that go for the rough look.

Long gone are the days when women desired a clean shaven face to nuzzle up against. Instead, women have toughened up and are in many respects demanding a manly man whose manly face is adorned by a manly beard. If the face were the head of a king, the beard would be that face's crown. To further expand upon this imagery, we shall call a man's razor his scepter. Not once in my life have a scene a scepter touch a crown. Have you? I'd imagine if it did touch the crown, it would tap it ever so gently, being careful not to remove its majestic layers...

Did I mention that Details is not a gay magazine. And yes, I get many of my fashion tips from this very-not-gay magazine.

If K-fed doesn't shave, why should I?

Look, my point is this: the unshaven look is going to be around for a while. I have no desire to wake up in the wee hours of the morning every day for the purpose of shaving away my illustrious locks of facial hair. Instead, I will join the Ushers and the Beckhams and Justin Timberlakes of the world by not shaving. Maybe I'll even wrinkle up my shirt a little bit or wear a tie with a polo just to show that I mean business.

I do this all not just because the ladies love it. I do it because doing so gives me my best chance of ever making it onto a cover of a men's magazine that is usually graced by male models.

Viva la fuzz and death to the blades!

1 comment:

Andy Orin said...

I am sure that you want my opinion. First of all, 'Rabbit of Seville' is a classic and I appreciate your inclusion of Bugs, being the man-child that I am.

I am also blessed with such robust genes that I could have regal face fur, like Hemingway during a hunt, but opt more often for a dapper Fitzgerald look. Though I'm usually too busy saving the world to shave properly, thus being semi-stubbly most of the time.

The truth is, real men don't give a fuck, and the untrimmed bristles of celebrities are calculated machinations to achieve the 'careless' look. In reality, only myself, and Indiana Jones, can achieve this looks without actual care. It's just how I roll.

However, what the ladies love is beyond my knowing, as my expertise is limited to Bugs Bunny.