Saturday, July 12, 2008

HARD questions to answer.

For Americans, it’s time to take a long, hard look at the way we vet our politicians. We should ask not what they can do for the economy. We should be minimally concerned with their plans to reduce American’s dependence of foreign oil. In fact, we shouldn’t even ask ourselves whether or not they are equipped with the judgment and foresight necessary to make tough decisions whose implications will be felt the world over.

Instead, the true test of a candidate should be his or her ability to the bedroom.

Carly Fiorina, of Hewlett Packard fame, is the sagacious one to be credited for enlightening America’s voting public. Although her intention was to highlight the hypocrisy that exists in the form of Viagra reimbursements and birth control dismissals, she has made a firm case for looking a bit deeper into the platforms of our candidates.

Bob Dole could’ve received a real boost had the age of Viagra rolled around a bit sooner. Because there is nothing that Americans want to hear more than a commercial featuring political figures promoting male enhancement drugs. No one wants a candidate that is all about tough talk but can’t really play hard ball.

Our dearest John McCain may be missing his opportunity capitalize on this big Viagra goof. He should’ve have taken a stiffer approach and given a rigid answer. Instead, he cowered away from the question in fear of appearing to be a sexist and letting the world in on the secret to his sexual magic. Had I been McCain, I would’ve handled the situation a bit differently.

Reporter: What do you think about the fact that some health insurance companies reimburse men for Viagra but (interrupted)...

John McCain: Viagra? I love Viagra. I think men all around the country should use it. Given that this is the Straight Talk Express, I’ll give it to you straight. A man’s mission is to protect his home and please his woman. When the natural pleasing juices dry up, there comes a time for a man to lean on the sturdy institution of science.

Reporter: But Senator, you didn’t let me finish my question. You voted against a bill that would’ve required those same companies to cover birth control expenses for women.

John McCain: I certainly don’t want to talk about that. I don’t recall the vote. But what I do recall is the joy that I brought to my household when I decided to start using Viagra. When I am elected to be President of the United States of America, I strive to drop a chicken in every pot and a tiny blue pill in the hands of all of those Baby Boomers with the desire to keep the love alive.

Reporter: Thank you, Senator.

John McCain: Don’t thank me, thank Pfizer.

Although Barack Obama appears to be a bit coy about his sexual side, he leaves little to doubt in regard to his qualifications. If you don’t feel that his bombshell of a wife Michelle does enough to speak to his capabilities, just remember that Scarlett wants to do him. ENOUGH SAID!

I mean, of course I’m only saying these things in jest. Yet, one does have to wonder about the sex lives of our candidates. If you’re up all night answering red phones, one can only suspect that you’ll need the aid of a little blue pill to overcome the exhaustion.

Ps – The issues raised Carly Fiorina is a valid one. If women don’t have the choice to use birth control, men shouldn’t have the choice to catch a boner and take their lover(s) on a joy ride.

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