Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Great American Cougar Chase

Dear Cougar,

I am but a humble and naive man-child. I lack direction and am in desperate need of a nurturing hand capable of helping me blossom into that great man that lies deep within the innermost caverns of my soul. Life without you is empty and without meaning. With God as my witness, I pray that I find you soon.

As you may know, it is not that I am incapable of finding women my age. Frequently I am in the company of beautiful young women, and frequently I bring smiles to their faces. Still, something is clearly missing. They all feel so disposable. They all feel so meaningless. They all make me feel like listening to live John Mayer performances of “Covered in Rain.”

I will surrender to you my youth. All of my childish ways shall be discarded hastily. With each meal that you cook I will become more well-rounded. With each gift that you give I will become more appreciative. With each conversation you initiate I will become more attentive. With each moment that we spend I will find myself falling deeper in love with you.

The world will frown upon our arrangement. Your friends will accuse you of robbing the cradle. My friends will remind of what it will be like to date a woman with dentures while I still have my natural teeth. Our parents (I hope your parents are still living) just won’t understand.

But we won’t care. This is clearly a temporary thing. After a few months we’ll be over this phase. Let’s be honest, I’m no Ashton Kutcher. And you, my love, are no Demi Moore.

Not puppy love. Cougar love.

Unfortunately, the biggest challenge remains. I have yet to find you. Last night at a bar, I saw a Cougar sitting alone with a sizeable portion of her bosom exposed. One by one, she rejected older men as they attempted to win her favor. When my opportunity finally presented itself, I was dismayed to find that it wasn’t YOU. This particular cougar was far too drunk and clearly didn’t make enough money to sustain the type of relationship that you and I are looking for.

Some have told me to search for you in supermarkets. Others have suggested that I find them in the workplace. Others still believe that I just have to wait for it to happen.

My dearest Cougar, my patience is running thin. Even as the weather outside reaches sweltering heights, I find myself alone in this cold cold world. By virtue of being alone, I also find myself being forced to pay for food, gas, clothing and lodging. All of these expenses should be and will be absorbed by you. And in return, I’ll do whatever your heart desires. I’ll even rub your feet.

Until we meet, and this fleeting dream become a reality, I will be incomplete. Each night when I look at the stars, I know that you too are watching. Tonight, may our eyes meet at Orion’s Belt...or at the Big Dipper.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival,


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