Monday, June 23, 2008

Young Ladies Having Babies

Now that you mention all of this talk about teenage pregnancy and pregnancy pacts and Jamie Lynn Spears, I'm wondering if there wasn't something out of the ordinary going on my high school. Because honestly, girls were popping up pregnant like WHOA. I mean, just the number of pregnancies at my high school alone should have been enough to warrant an article by Time, if not signal an apparent change in attitudes toward pregnancy.

All seriousness aside, this is just the kind of story that I like to read. There is nothing hotter than a hefty 17 year old showing up to school with a note excusing her from physical education. And think about how amazing it is to be a high school boy at that school! Apparently upwards of 150 pregnancy tests were administered by the school nurse. While I do not profess to be a math whiz, I do profess to be a genius and I can tell you with absolute certainty that those tests stemmed from at least 149 separate sexual encounters. I am airing on the side of caution and betting that one girl got tested twice after a sexual experience that she was 100% certain that got her pregnant. I'll even go a step further and suggest that on the second testing attempt, the nurse proclaimed with mixed emotions: "You're having a boy and you will name him Gary!"

Trust me folks, I'm not here to pass too much judgment. I too was birthed by a young mother. Fortunately for me, my mother wasn't so young that she was still going through puberty.

At any rate, FATHERS LOOK AFTER YOUR DAUGHTERS! John Mayer didn't make a song about daughters for no reason. He knows, just like you should, how footloose and fancy free these vivacious vixens are. Enroll your daughter in therapy sessions or make her watch Juno on repeat for an entire weekend. Stress the fact that babies will make her really fat and really crank, not to mention that liberating babies from bellies is an extremely painful process.

No pressure or anything, Fathers. But if you collectively fail to act, there will be official "I'm 16 and I'm Having a Baby" Clubs started up on high school campuses throughout the country before you can count the number of letters in the word Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

(go ahead, you know you want to count it...)

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