Saturday, May 31, 2008

Older Women Gone Wild



Last night marked the beginning of utter chaos in the female world. Their hormonal imbalances went into overdrive as they anxiously scattered off to fill every seat in every possible movie theater within driving distance. Calls from angry women were even fielded by this shit hole, which failed to deliver its fair share of Sex & The City screenings.

In Los Angeles, women were so fully aroused by this notion of having a girls' night out that they have paid exorbitant amounts of money to make an event of it. In fact, a good friend of mine knows a person of the female persuasion that shelled out 60 bucks to sip cosmos and talk to other women who wish that they were single semi-attractive professionals in New York.

Sacramento's bar scene was indicative of the ridiculousness that had began to ensue while I was watching the Celtics eliminate the Pistons. Girly cocktails for many girly girls in girly cocktail dresses. And just because I describe these girly cocktails as "girly," don't you allow yourself to be fooled for one second. These girls were drunk. Some of them were drunk and hot girls. But all of them were drunk girls.

Of course, yours truly moved to take full advantage of the situation. And I did so not by taking advantage of drunk girls, but by taking advantage of cheaply priced girly drinks. And by jove, that was certainly one of the best cosmos that I've ever had in my young adult life. Unfortunately, these aforementioned drunk women were far too intoxicated to either a) carry on a coherent conversation, or b) appear sober enough to entice a guy as sober as I was to talk to them.

The condition of these women said much about the movie that I have yet to see. There was clearly some sort of happy ending that drove these women to smile, clap and maybe even cry in the theater. But once the show was over, this temporary Cloud 9 hurled these women back to Earth and reminded them of how depressing their present state of being is. Therefore, more cosmos and mojitos and vodka cranberries were in order. They reached their drunken stupor well before they ever had a shot of meeting their own person Mr. Big.

Woe are they. Hope you had fun ladies. But truthfully, your trivial pursuits for happiness would've been better served by drinking beer at sports bar with all of the single, dating and married men in your region.

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