Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Just My Way of Saying I Love You

Something has troubled me for quite some time now. And I'm hoping that some of the readers out there can help me with this issue. Could someone please explain why athletes find it necessary to tap each other on the ass all the time?

It's like the manlier the sport, the more common the ass tapping is. Even when players don't make the play they needed to make, they are still rewarded with this low-five, of sorts. I've noticed no discrimination between left and right ass cheeks. The main focus has been on firmly planting one's hand on the ass of his or her teammate and/or opponent.

The funny part is the fact that these ass slaps don't spill over into other elements of life.

If I walked down the street passing out congratulatory ass taps I'd likely go to jail. But if I walked down the street passing out congratulatory ass taps while wearing a football uniform, people would be a little more welcoming. For that reason, I have grown tired of the double standard. If I can't have excessive and unwarranted ass grabbing in my civilian world, I don't think it's fair for athletes to do it on the field.

And besides, what's wrong with the high five? Or what about the fist pound? Or what about being old fashion and yelling "good job" or "nice play" when your fellow athlete does the right thing?

I'll just close on this note: the status quo is not okay. Something needs to be done to address this ass touching epidemic. Men, women and children around the world have seen enough 300 pound sweaty men grabbing each below the waste to last a lifetime.

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