Bathroom Etiquette @ Work

I was once told that dropping a deuce at work was inevitable. However, I believe that dropping a deuce at work is inexcusable. The lack of bowel control in the workplace is absolutely appalling. No stall is immune. Especially not the handicap stall which chronic shitters seem to enjoy thanks to its spaciousness. The workplace deuce is a commonplace occurrence and I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to speak out against it.

Granted, there are those special occasions in which only the hand of God could hold back your special deliveries. Nevertheless, even in such cases, one must conduct him- or herself with class and dignity and respect for those non-deucers that frequent the restroom.

Given my extensive experience with this, I have a few guidelines that should govern any and all workplace restrooms around this great nation and around this great...world(???). By not means is this list exhaustive and any additional feedback would be welcomed:

1. Please flush the toilet.
2. If I'm at the urinal and you're on the shitter, please wait until I leave the restroom before you walk out. Putting a face to the smell just makes everything awkward.
3. Don't walk out without washing your hands.
4. Please fight back any potential explosions when others are in the restroom.
5. Do not make sex noises while in the stall.
6. Please check the stall for toilet paper before sitting down. I refuse to hand you a roll from the next stall over.
7. Use courtesy flushes. Use them early and use them often.
8. Do not "poo" more than one time in a day. If you cannot set your body to a "poo" schedule, at least use moderation to combat your frenetic "poo-ing".
9. If we walk into the restroom at the same time, act as if you aren't really about to deuce until I leave. (although, seeing the before and after of a workplace shitter is priceless).
10. Last, but not least, do not ridicule your fellow co-workers who have opted not to "poo" at work. These non-pooers are saints, not sinners. Do not corrupt them by using that same old tired argument of "it's not good for you to hold it." Many things aren't good for you in life. Us non-pooers will continue to take our chances.
11. *(reader submission) Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to believe that it is ok for you to talk on the phone while you're on the toilet. No conversation can possibly be that important. I know that you're looking for a constructive way to pass your downtime, but Jesus Cristo, read a book or clip your nails or engage in some other benign activity that doesn't interrupt and gross out other restroom users.

This list is derived directly from experiences and conversations that I have had in and around the workplace. These conversations or situations often make me uncomfortable, and you should feel the same if you count yourself as one of the many workplace shitters that roll out of bed each morning. Have your no shame Mr. Workplace Shitter? Have you no class Ms. Second Floor Deucer?

***Please note that when an individual is on a detox diet, workplace shitting is expressly allowed and strongly encouraged. This and the D-bomb is the only valid excuse for using the workplace restroom to cleanse your inner-being.