Saturday, April 26, 2008

Rebounding from a breakup

So, I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall earlier this week.

Although the film was only enjoyably mediocre, it did highlight an important issue in the Man World: moving on from your ex-girlfriend.

Watching Peter Bretter (Jason Segel) attempt to get over Sarah (Kristen Bell) was downright painful at times. Of course it was even more painful to watch the 3+ instances of male frontal nudity thanks to the Mr. Segel’s willingness to let it all hang out. Nevertheless, I readily identified with the main character’s struggles to cope with a lost lover who was perfect in his eyes.

Sadly, the happy ending with which Peter Bretter is met is far from indicative of the average breakup. First and foremost, the average guy isn’t dating a hot ass TV star. Average guys also don’t find themselves so deep in a funk that a solo – wingmanless – trip to Hawaii is in order. So the hypothetical collateral events associated with this improbable Man Trip are null and void as far as I’m concerned. In other words, a super tan Mila Kunis – of That 70’s Show fame – won’t be waiting to at the front desk of your resort to be swept off her feet. In fact, it is unequivocally true that hot girls are 700 times more likely to be interested in a guy that already has a girlfriend. In Woman World, going after a guy who single just doesn’t make sense. Clearly the guy is single for a reason. In their eyes a single guy must be awkward, poor or gay. Or even worse, maybe he’s all of the above.

So for those guys looking to really nip this issue in the bud and get over the dreaded torment caused to them by the women that have walked out of their lives, you should do some combination of the following, dependent upon how much you hate/miss/stilllove her:

1. Tell your friends that she was crowding your space and wanted to rush into marriage
2. Listen to “Apologize” by One Republic 20 times on repeat – trust me
3. Post any private pictures or videos of her online
4. Move all photos of her into your recycling bin on your desktop, without actually permanently deleting them
5. Write her a really angry e-mail and never read her response
6. Go out on a date with another girl
7. Go make out with another girl
8. Ask another girl to cuddle with you or hold you hand because you’re vulnerable
9. Watch chick flicks
10. Go on a long walk to clear your head
11. Start a blog so you can openly discuss your Man Feelings
12. Think about all of her flaws and how annoying they were
13. Go to a strip club – since it’s okay to come home smelling like a walking STD
14. Spread rumors about her so to ensure that she remains just as miserably single as you are
15. Tell her that you faked it every time the two of you made whoopy
16. Watch adult films without feeling like you’re cheating
17. Take a Mancation with your closest friends
18. Drink excessive amounts of liquor
19. If she liked you shaven don’t shave, or vice versa
20. Donate the pair of jeans she left at your place to charity
21. Listen to every John Mayer song ever made, if possible see him in concert, cry openly

This list could go on for days. But any combination of these things might effectively help you cope with and move on from a breakup.

Or you could take an alternative route. Be a man about the situation. Talk things out in a civil manner and get to the core of the issue. Maybe you were at fault. Maybe she was at fault. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won’t. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with fighting for the woman you love. If your heart is still in it, let her know. If it isn’t, you shouldn’t have a problem cutting your losses.

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